You never stop mourning the important ones. They live within you. The ghosts of your life. You do what you can to calm their voices. To live with your loss. If you thought about it too long the voices would drive you mad. Unhinge and derange you. Best to keep going forward. You're doing these lost ones no favours by thinking otherwise.
I've got a few. More than some. Less than others. A couple of sorely missed siblings. A very good German friend who threw himself off Beachy Head on the coldest night of the year more than thirty years ago. Famuly. Some other good friends. One in particular. Someone I got to know in Dortmund in the early Nineties. Used to go over to his place and watch MTV. Smoke dope togethei and listen to Nirvana, Can, The Beatles or Tim Buckley with on Friday afternoons. Matt,
After Matt died a few years ago I kept his photo on my desk. But it upset me too much when I'd had a skinful when I'd been out on a Friday evening. I used too find myself sobbing. It was the beer. But also his photo. In the end I put his photo in the drawer and I was fine.
Matt was a big Kraftwerk fan. We neither of us cared much for Oasis. When their name came up yet again at a certain point his response was 'Why don't people listen to Kraftwerk?' Why indeed. This was music if the future when it came out un the Seventies. It still is. It has the grace and poise of the most resonant classical music . You could listen to Oasis instead if you like. But why not listen to Trans-Europe Express. You'll feel you're on the intercity from Dussledirf to Cologne. Music can do that.
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