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Frank Sidebottom: Would You Marry This Man?
Cathi Unsworth, Sounds, 12 November 1988
Frank Sidebottom reckons he's the world's most eligible bachelor. Cathi Unsworth succumbs to his charms and checks out his prolific vinyl output.
THE FRANK Sidebottom persona recalls that line from The Rocky Horror Show when Columbia mourns the death of Eddie. If only, she laments, he'd "stayed sane inside insanity". Apparently, this is how Frank keeps his cool.
But is it Frank who's mad or those of us who hold him dear? While strolling along the Timperly streets with him, watching babies drop half-eaten sweets in wonder and shop assistants quake in the certainty that he's homicidal, it seems the former holds true. Yet, on the other hand, isn't it Frank who has us screaming for Little Frank at gigs, only to remind us that, "He's only a puppet".
You cannot patronise Frank Sidebottom.
IN DEEPEST Timperly, Frank has converted the offices of his long-suffering manager, Mike, into a replica of his bedroom, pictured on his 5.9.88 album's gatefold sleeve.
Frank painted the floor blue in Mike's absence. Five terrapins occupy a large tank in the corner. Two old Ian Dury posters have been stuck up with their faces to the wall and the place is strewn with Frank's toys and games. Then, of course, there's Little Buzz Aldrin, "found on the moon", who slumps dejectedly in the corner, only stirring occasionally to say, "Yo!".
Stupendous plasticine effects flicker before our eyes as Frank provides a sneak preview of his new 12mm epic, Space Is Ace.
"I feel very sorry for the youth of today. They always have to make do. They don't get any real space monsters, only cartoons," he comments. These happen to be Frank's first and only sombre words of the day.
Part of the Sidebottom magnetism is that Frank never stops.
In the last four months we've witnessed the album Frank Sidebottom Salutes The Magic Of Freddie Mercury And Queen And Also Kylie Minogue, a double album called 5.9.88, and possibly the quickest ever follow up album, the recently-released 13.9.88.
As ever, Frank is modest about his achievements.
"For my first LP I've done a double LP. Now if you check the record books, each of Paul McCartney's first LPs, when he was with his first group The Beatles, when he was with his solo group Paul McCartney and when he was with his Wings group, he never did any as double LPs. So that's better than him for a start!
"Freddie Mercury and his Queen group, he never did a double LP. In fact, nobody has. And who's followed that up with another LP a week later? You see, I can write songs until that cow comes to my house. And that cow did come to my house, halfway through my second LP."
Apparently, said cow interrupted Frank's creative flow.
"Well, that's why there's not as many songs on my second LP, but don't worry, cos there's a fantastic rockumentary on it.
"What I did, I'd been to Blackpool, and you know those cassette recorders you carry around and tape things with? Well, I did that, I taped my holiday. Paul McCartney's not done that has he?
"You see, that's the trouble with other pop stars these days, they're not adventurous enough. I, on the other hand, had the foresight to take my tape on holiday and make an LP. I'll make a triple LP next."
But will this feature any more tributes to Frank's latest heroine, Kylie Minogue? Perhaps he's jealous, now that she's getting married to Scott...
"No, I'm not bothered," sniffs Frank, "not at all. I could marry Kylie just like that. People want to marry me. I could get married just like that (he lifts a green wooden house from the Monopoly board and eyes it suspiciously), though not like that.
"I'd look a bit funny walking down the aisle with that. Mind you, you can do a lot with make up and a veil. You can have that on your headline, Frank Sidebottom Will Not Be Marrying A Greenhouse. Exclusive!"
LITTLE FRANK got in on the act with 5.9.88., but Sidebottom senior is still pleased with the results.
"My fantastic, brilliant talent shone through, even though he tried to ruin it. You can't keep a fantastic, brilliant man down can you? You have to amuse Little Frank to a certain extent though, and cardboard is hard to amuse."
Sounds as if Frank and Little Frank are reconciled after their bust up over his Beastie Puppets single.
"It was never released!" Frank chortles. "It wouldn't have been a hit if it had, cos puppets are no good at making records. No, I was just hurt that he wanted to do one without me, cos I've let him be on my records, haven't I? It's justice that it never came out.
"And they'd have been no good on Top Of The Pops because puppets aren't very interesting to look at on their own. They just fall over," he explains demonstrating with Little Buzz who collapses miserably.
"But they must have been the first bits of cardboard to be offered a record contract!"
Will you be releasing another Christmas single this year, Frank?
"I've written one and I hope it'll be out on time. I've got a compact disc on the way for the music lover. It's got different mixes from the first three albums.
"Now Little Frank, I left him in charge of the balance control. That's a button that makes the sound go from one speaker to the other. And cos we had an argument, I ran out of grooves on the compact disc and I still had two songs to go on it.
"So I put one song on one speaker and the other song on the other, and you have to use your balance control to decide which song you want. You can only have 74 minutes on a compact disc and I broke the world record by having 77 minutes on mine. There's no barriers for me.
"Anyway, one of the songs on it has got Christmas lyrics so hopefully it'll be the single. It's called '25.12.88'. (What else?)"
Frank Sidebottom is many things — revolutionary singer, gamesmaker and puppeteer extraordinaire — but a fool is not one of them.
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